The Hidden "Loner"

Unlike most people around;  "I" am a simple straight forward #nofilter person. Using jargons and big words like pseudo-intellectual and sapiosexual are not my cup of tea. What defines me are my experiences in life and the stories I derive from them. Learning on the go is my thing and that is something that I have learnt about myself. I guess the sole reason for me to start this blog was to understand the true me.

I am a divorcee, at the age of Thirty, whose been introspecting since almost ten years now, but the last two years have made me push my limits to understand who I really am, the reason for my existence and being. The funny part of introspection is that you need and tend to ask a lot of questions, questions about and to yourself, you constantly keep on tapping into your soul and based on those question-answers, from your life experiences, you derive a set of different hypotheses, till you find the one Answer that befits and defines, your truth or belief. 

One thing that, I have experienced and realised in these past two years, is that when you try to tap into your soul to find answers about yourself, you tend to reach some really dark and lonely sides of yours, one of them is being a "LONER"  or Realistically speaking,  you asking yourself are you "ONE"??

"LONER" a single word - noun - meaning "A person that prefers not to associate with others."

In normal circumstances we would just take it as another word in the dictionary, but when we treat it like a personality trait or a question, it takes us to a different level of spirituality and belief-disorientation.

People with such need of disassociation, are often shunned by the so called socialites or social people in most of the societies, across all parts of the world. 

But isn't it a preference ??  just like the food we like, the clothes we wear, the person we want to be, the set of people we want to hang out with ?? 

I have over nine hundred and fifty friends,  on my social media account. I use practically every medium of interaction with people just to understand who I really am. For a major part of my life and profession I used to think that I am as social, as “social” can be. I am blessed with a loving family, a set of close friends who have and will never leave my side if things ever go against the odds. But then, if that is so, why is there a constant fear of not being accepted, going unnoticed in crowd filled rooms or not being surrounded by people when you need them the most. 

Why is there a hollow ?? 

Is it because of the losses One has seen or the sacrifices that One has made over the years or is it because One is still stuck in the closet as a LONER, not cherishing or accepting himself as one. 

 Over the years, I have taken solo holidays to different parts of the world, I occasionally go to a coffee shop and enjoy my cup of a freshly brewed double espresso all by myself, Meeting new people listening to their life incidences is something that I like. 

Last December, I attended a music fest, amongst over 2000 people who came there, At 2:30 am on day three I was alone, enjoying some good jazz playing in the background by myself when a random person came and started talking to me and told me that Loners are the smartest people amongst us, was she implying that I am a Loner ?? I guess she was.

Until today that question would often keep popping in my head, with denial as a constant Answer to myself. But it was today, that I understood the true power of  this human phenomena, over a small incident, where I saw a movie in a movie theatre all by myself after Thirteen years and I enjoyed it, my answer was clear, that there is no harm in being a "LONER".

It's an individuals preference to be distant from the rest of the herd and do something for themeslves, being selfish without caring for what the society might say, doing something that makes one happy without thinking of any repurcussions, doing something for your own satisfaction and happiness. 

Some people might call this as a self defence mechanism, a sign of being depressed or may even think in some more morbid and negative fashions. But today after those three hours, of doing something that I was dependent on people for, just by myself, I felt relieved, free from the taboos of our society and a step closer to my individuality. I felt peace in the fact that I am a partial Loner.

The revelation and acceptance of being social and a  Loner honestly makes me feel more closer to myself then anything else. 

We all at some point of time in our lives have relied on people for their support, appreciation, likes, acceptances, dealing with our own insecurities etc. But the day you realise, meet and accept "The Hidden Loner" in you. That day you will be free of one stress, The stress of constant human emotional dependency and one step closer to your own self.

As Albert Einstein once said - "Be a loner. That gives you time to wonder, to search for the truth."

You are who you are, it's just a matter of realising it, if it makes you Awesome or just another member of  some Herd is completely your choice. Trying too hard to fit in will lead you nowhere rather accept yourself as you are. 

After all, we all have our demons, controlling them or being controlled by them lies in our minds !!